It just seems to be that every time I have a really lively conversation with someone, I get really down and mellow(marshmallow :3) for a good while later. I'm the one that thinks he can do it all while staying sane at the same time, but recently I figured it wasn't true. Yes, I'm a slow learner.

When I see people fuck up real bad, you'd expect me to 'learn from their mistakes', but hell no, its just something about me that wants to experience it first hand, thinking maybe that 2nd time it might be different. Rarely happens, in fact, it never has so far.

Lately, all I wanna do is put everything into perspective, sort shit out, and also a couple of other people's thrown in. But in all fairness, I couldn't really help you guys out when I'm in a mess myself, it just feels like hypocrisy. At the end of the day, its just you and your conscience, and its something I don't wanna face right now.

Oh great, lookie there, can't even stay on topic for a few sentences. My head is just everywhere right now. I'm actually fucking THINKING about what to blog about. It usually just flows out seamlessly but there seems to be this giant thumb restricting the amount of juice flowing through my head.

I don't know what I want, but I'm hoping its somewhat meaningful.

Actually, I just wanna move on, NO reminiscing, NO thinking about what could've been, NO drama to dwell upon. You know, there's just too much stuff to do. No matter what I do, I just get sidetracked. It would seriously, really feel nice to get back into my head again.

The whole routine is just; Wake up, heads not really thinking, go to school, head is just trying to get through the day. Head home, change, immediately head out, focusing on others instead. Head home, sleep. Thats pretty much it.

So far, what I'm reading makes no sense to me whatsoever, just opening a can of worms I suppose.

I think all I need is someone, or maybe something, that I can talk to on a random basis, without me coming off as 'needy' or 'vulnerable'. I'm on the verge of going ultimately insane. I keep looking at the pack of Winston's in my drawer for 5 minutes without blinking... Then closing it again. It seems like the answer to everything will come to me if I light one of those up and really think. Then the entire 'Good versus Evil' thing plays in my head.
The angel goes 'Don't blow it, you've come so far!'
'Do it, the moment of clarity is well worth it!' chimes the devil immediately after.
Maybe its time I asked for help, or just open myself up that bit more.. So here goes:

Help...